Week 2 The Murder Unleashed by Aidan

One day Austin and Kevin were walking in town. They turned the corner to go to Charlies Burgeria when they saw a huge metal thing lying there. Austin saw paper, flowers and loads of balls. Kevin wondered what happened there? Then a boy came along and said my dad is missing.

It was Tom! He burst into tears. Then we noticed a trail of blood going over the flowers and around the bend. We followed it to a huge old house and we walked in. Then we felt a cold breeze go around us and more blood dribbling down little cracks. We followed it…

9 thoughts on “Week 2 The Murder Unleashed by Aidan”

  1. Hello, Aidan. Thank you for your writing. I am really wondering what the boys thought the metal ‘thing’ was. Did they think it had something to do with the blood? You make it sound exciting and I am left wondering what happened next.

    Mrs. Evan-Cook 100WC France

  2. * Well done Aidan, I really like all of the imaginative words
    *I also like that you used paragraphs.
    Wish: Next time maybe use more.
    How did you come up with this idea, and will Tom find his Dad?

  3. *You have great punctuation for 3rd class well done. *The title was very good too.
    Question? what happens next?
    (-) link it reminds me of a program and it the end it was just paint.

    kind reguards Dervla.

  4. Hi Aidan

    You have created some very powerful images here. I particularly liked the phrase ‘…we felt a cold breeze go round us…’. Often people forget to include details of all of their senses and rely just on what the character can see. By doing this you have helped the reader to really imagine what it is like for the characters in the house; I certainly wouldn’t like to be in there!

    Miss T
    Stockbridge school

  5. It must be scary walking in the creepy house anyway good job on your story and I hope you write more.

    From Fortune in Mr.Russell’s class

  6. Hi Aidan. Good story but it was really sad for me because of the kid crying about his dad.
    Keep up the GOOD WORK!!!

    From Tom

  7. Thought the story was so sad but great work Aidan my favourite part was when the kid was crying about his dad


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